Priscilla’s Life

I find myself facing a lot of hard situations these days. This passed year has been one of more pain and anguish I’ve felt since Hurricane Katrina. I have gotten a few positive things out of it, but the odds were so against me that I couldn’t see them.

My 2008 started with a new baby. I was very excited about her, and I love my children very much. Shortly after I had the baby I found out that the children’s father was cheating, and we broke up. We’d been together for 5yrs, but he’d been cheating the whole time. A person can only take so much, and when I’m done I let go.

I lost my job a month before I had the baby, and about a month after I found another. One door closed and another opened, but it all happened in the weirdest way. I call it a blessing because the day I got hired for the job I was supposed to be going to the WIN JOB CENTER to seek a job.

I have told others about this day, and I think they said I am full of you know what. I will tell you what happen, and you may think I’m nuts but this is what really happened. Sometimes things happen, and there is no explanation for it. This was one of those days.

I woke up one morning really early, and this is something that I rarely did. I sat on the bed for some reason as if I was waiting for something but I didn’t know what. I wanted to get up, but it was like my body was saying “Hold on. Do not move yet.” I know I sat on the bed at least 30min. before I made the first move.

When I got up I hadn’t the slightest clue as to where I was going or what I was doing. I commence to searching. I was searching for something to wear, and I didn’t realize it. When I found something to wear I walked to the bathroom. I did my business in the bathroom, but it was like I was being guided. I wasn’t myself, and I was very confident and calm.

I slowly began to curl my hair, and make my face up. I sprayed perfume on my body, and put on my clothes. The above picture is how I looked on that day. I took this picture on my phone when I came home. I was very happy that I had to take a picture. I told the children’s father that I was going to the WIN JOB CENTER, and quietly left. When I got in the car I was very content and I wasn’t worried about anything.

When I was driving I turned off the path to my destination for some odd reason, and that’s when I saw the Residence Inn Hotel. I went there to apply for a job, and I got hired on the spot. They did a drug test in the same day. Three days later the test came back, and I got a letter telling me when to come to orientation.

This was very weird for me because it was like someone else was guiding me and my spirit was following. I didn’t realize anything until I turned off the destination to which I was supposed to go. I did what I had to do, and got what I needed to be done accomplished.

Back to my question about the test. Is this a test? I do things to help people, but I get the short end of the stick. Why is that? For instance, I let my brother move with me this year. The sole purpose of him moving with me to begin with was for him to get on his feet. He’d just gotten out of jail, and he’d had a baby on the way at the time. Things happened between me and the children’s father, and he decided that he didn’t want to watch the kids for me so that I may work. I then had to depend on my brother for this, but now he uses this to his advantage. He doesn’t pay anything, yet he comes up with money every week to go to clubs and go shopping with. I have been behind on bills for 2 months straight, and he says to me that he don’t think that he should pay anything.

He messed up my car before he bought himself one, and he bought one around the time I was behind on a few bills. He eats for free off of my kids’ food stamps, uses my utilities on a daily basis and he uses my personal items such as soap, toothpaste and such. I provide everything for us and I have to put up with bull crap when I ask for a ride to work or so much as ask for help with keeping the house clean.

What are my options? Some people says I should kick him out, but why would I do that when I don’t have anyone to keep my children and I don’t have my own transportation anymore? If I kick him out, that would leave me in an even worse situation don’t you think?

That’s one example. Here’s another one. When I first started working the kids’ father was keeping them for me, but he works in the mornings. I had to attend morning training for about a month. I paid my sister up front to watch my newborn. The other two were with their grandmother. My sister kept the baby for about a week, and decided she couldn’t keep her anymore. She also didn’t pay me the rest of the money back. I could have lost my job and everything. What were my options? I started to act violently, but I thought about the baby first and the fact that I still had to go to work. I just told her that I am through with her, and I left quietly.

That really hurt. I went to my mother, and I offered to pay her to keep the baby for me. She also turned me away. What did I do next? I had to call my job first and let them know what was going on. They didn’t hold it against me because I told them in the beginning that I needed night hours strictly because of this reason. The kids would be with their father at night, so I can work…

With everything that’s going on in my life right now, I’m wondering if this is a test. I try so hard to stay positive, but the negative is outweighing the positive. I find myself in deep thought and worry about what to do next. The things that I put up with in my own household is ridiculous, and what makes it worse is that it is my family. My own flesh that is dragging me down, and all I tried to do was help him.

I go through things with men that I thought I’d never have to go through, and I have found that they only want one thing. I am so tired of being toyed with that I was almost to the point of giving up on love and relationships. I am now concentrating more on getting things situated, but there is still one problem. I have baggage in my way, and I am constantly thinking of ways to remove this baggage without hurting me or my kids. I’m trying so hard to maintain everyday of this life, and I am always looking for a better way than this. My kids deserve better, and I deserve better. Right now I just want my life to be me and my children, but that is close to impossible without the bad things happening. What’s my solution? I have yet to find that answer, but I am searching.

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